Mother's Day

Mother's Day really started for me on Thursday as my boss told me to take a half day one day last week. I'd been working really hard on some new products and was picking up extra work since a couple members of my team transitioned to new roles. So on Thursday I left work at noon, ran some errands which took no time at all (is that what it was like pre-kid?), and then headed off for a massage. I was in dire need of a massage as I was dealing with a pain flare up that was on week 2 and didn't seem to be letting up. I decided to book the massage at Benessere, a place a friend recommended as they provided myofascial release massage. This is EXACTLY what I needed, but so many places don't know how to do it right. This place was right on - not only did I feel like she worked my trigger point/knot out of my back, but I felt totally zen when I left the place. I will be going back for sure (for those in the Minneapolis area, this place offers your first massage at half price).

Since I had a little bit of time (and my camera with) I went across the street and took some pictures of the river. I used to live in this area and walking down by the river is one of the things I miss most. Note to self: come back here soon when you have more time to stroll (and take more pictures, of course).

Then on Friday, Jesse and I got some alone time when Riley went to a carnival with a friend and her family. The carnival was at the school Riley will be attending next year so I think it was good, not only because she had fun, but because it provided her with more exposure to the building she'll be in for kindergarten. She had a blast, and came home with a goodie bag, her nails painted, a butterfly temporary tattoo, and her face painted like a cat. 

On Saturday, I basically told Jesse some of the things I wanted to do for the weekend and we did them. I got time to myself, time as a family, one on one with Riley, time to work on a project, dinner out, and a visit to the park to take pictures - it was a busy day, but we pretty much did everything I wanted to do.

We started out the day at the gym, then went to Menard's to pick up some paint for Riley's room, and some pillows for our new deck furniture. Afterwards, while Jesse mowed the lawn, Riley and I hung out on the deck while she had a snack lunch (she absolutely did not want lunch - she wanted a snack. So I made her a snack lunch in an ice cube tray. It was a hit). 

At some point we all headed inside where Jesse and I ate some of the beef stew he made and then I got some free time to work on Riley's room. We are doing some updates and the first step was clearing a few things out of her room and washing a wall where there used to be a wall sticker. I know it doesn't sound like a glamorous or relaxing time to myself moment, but the fact that I could be productive and not worry about what my kid was up to (or have guilt that I wasn't hanging out with her) was marvelous. 

Riley eventually needed to rest so I was kicked out of her room and think I watched an episode of Vikings, some photography tutorials (I learned like 3 more editing techniques - so exciting for me!), and probably did random stuff around the house like laundry until I had to go wake Riley up. 

We had yet to go to a park and take pictures as I requested so we decided to get dinner at McCoy's which is right next to Wolfe Park - one of my favorite places for Riley to play and for me to take pictures and it's close to home so that's a bonus.  

They cut down all the weeds and grass around the pond which made it look a little rough, but it allowed me to get fairly close to these turtles. Glad I decided to bring my 50 mm lens for these pictures as my 35 mm lens has been living on my camera lately (the 35 mm is a great lens, but the 50 mm was better for these pictures).

My wish out of all this picture taking was to get a picture with my daughter. I don't have a lot of pictures with my mom and realized that I'm usually behind the camera myself so I am trying to be more intentional about getting in front of the camera, especially with my family.

I had to tickle her here to get a genuine smile out of her.

And then it turned into this.

Ok, I'll play along too.

This may look like a quiet father/daughter moment on the edge of the pond, but if you look closer you will see that they are spitting into the water. Apparently, the fish would all rush to the surface thinking it was food... and maybe it was for them. 

Not sure if I'm proud of this or not, but she was pretty talented at this.

Riley was really into us taking pictures and often made suggestions as to where we should stand. She asked to wear my scarf so I had to capture a picture of her in it. She was beyond giving me a 'normal' face and was deep into goofball status at this point. So dramatic, this girl. "Hey Riley, can you bring it down a notch?"

"Like this mom?" Ugh, apparently my aristocratic daughter is ready for prep school, daaarrrling. I should also note that the next day Riley 'helped' me edit these photos. I tried to show her a little of what I was doing and would ask her for feedback, but her favorite part was when I asked her to name the picture for when I saved it. This one she dubbed "Mr. Face". Lolz.

Might as well capture pictures of my husband however I can. 

Trying to leave the park, but silliness continued to prevail.

More turtles! Usually we see more ducks here, but this was certainly a turtle night.

We passed by a stage on the way out and I thought "this would be perfect for her silly pictures", but when she got on the stage she was suddenly all business. Go figure.

Saturday was really a great day. Seriously, a great day. It wasn't so different than other days except I felt way more productive. I think it also made a big difference that I knew I could name what I wanted to do and then I did it (guilt free). I really need to do that more often (and not wait for Mother's Day weekend to do so).

On Sunday, Jesse got up with Riley while I attempted to watch network TV in bed, but there wasn't anything worth watching so I headed downstairs and decided to make french toast. My crew had already eaten so it was all for me, but Jesse couldn't resist the smell and had a small piece himself. Such an easy thing to make - why don't I do this more often?

Jesse and Riley also gave me the sweetest card ever. I totally got all teary eyed as it listed out "what we love about mom". My favorite was when Riley wrote "she reads stories with meat night". Lol, actually, it said "she reads stories with me at night", but it looked like the first version which is almost better. Because of it, Jesse has suggested we start a meat night. Uh, ok. Another favorite was "we take pictures with mommy". Yes, we do.

Gifts with sentiments like this are the best. Its not so much about getting a gift, but being made to feel special. And these two made me feel super special. I love them so much. (Side note: I should mention that Jesse and I celebrated our 6th anniversary recently and he got me a book and a card while I got him nothing. I mention this since I totally called him out for not getting me anything for my birthday. We've never really given gifts before on our anniversary, but we always try to do something special. I've realized that the anniversary for Jesse is probably like the birthday for me. It's just a really special day.)

The rest of Sunday morning was pretty lazy - although I will say I transitioned out of my PJ's and into jeans way too early. That was a big miss on my part - I say one should stay in your pajamas or comfy clothes as long as possible. At one point we went to Byerlys, ate lunch and both Riley and Jesse took a nap before we headed out to an early dinner with my in-laws. We came home and went on a walk where we barely made it back home when it started pouring seconds after we got in the door.

Such a great weekend which ended with a tasty cup of tea and an intended half (but really an entire) scrumptious chocolate cupcake. The best way to end this wonderful weekend. I'm one lucky mommy.

Long lost letters

Memory is a funny thing. How do we remember some things and not others? I notice Riley remember things that I never expected, but then forget things that I think she would remember - like who her daycare provider was just a couple years ago. I think about my own memories from my childhood and wonder what Riley will remember when she gets older about her childhood. Will she remember our weekend road trips up north? Will she remember all the books she reads each night? Will she remember who her preschool friends were? Will she remember how she feels about her life at this age?

My understanding is that we don't have the ability to remember much before the age of 3, but turns out it isn't as simple as that. New studies show that kids actually do have the capacity, but at around age 7 our memories begin to fade - referred to as "childhood amnesia".

I think back to my earliest memories and find that they were a mix of good and bad. In fact, the earliest memory I can think of must have been when I was three or younger as I think my parents were still married, but not happily. I remember standing at their feet while they argued about my brother. I remember we were standing around a short, kid's height round table and I was looking up at these tall adult parents of mine yelling at each other.

1975 - year of the divorce

The memories grow after the divorce when I lived with my dad, but had weekend visits with my mom. I remember styling my dad's hair and thinking he looked like George Washington. I remember playing Crazy 8 and eating black olive pizza with my mom. I remember going to McDonald's on Fridays with my dad, but then making a request to change the day we did that because it sometimes made us miss parts of the Dukes of Hazard on TV. I remember my mom curling my hair and saying I looked like Shirley Temple. So many good memories with both my parents.

The reason I lived with my dad was because my mom had some mental health issues (think delusional disorder like schizophrenia). Most of the time my mom was just my mom to me and not someone who had irrational thinking, but I wasn't totally oblivious to it either. I knew something wasn't quite right. I remember one weekend having to be extra quiet on Sunday night when my dad was supposed too pick me up from her apartment only to never have him come. My mom knew I had Monday off of school and she wanted me one more day. Turns out my dad planned to have me stay at my mom's apartment, but she forgot that and didn't want to let me go. Another time my mom up and took me to see family in Missouri when my dad told her she couldn't do so. Yeah, she essentially kidnapped me for 2 weeks.

My dad started dating Ann (my step mom) around the time I was 6 or 7 (they dated for 6 months and married when I was 7 - in 1979). My mom didn't take well to this and I remember her screaming at my dad that she was still his wife. Things went downhill from there. She wasn't happy about this new woman in my dad's life and would come over all the time, call all the time... write letters. Eventually, a restraining order was put in place, and then a judge determined that it would be in my best interest to have no contact with my mom. My dad had some say in this, but wasn't really sure what was best and followed the court orders. It was during this time that my mom wrote me letters - usually everyday, sometimes twice a day. These letters were mostly kept from me so I had no idea of their scope. In high school, I found a suitcase of them and read them, but never went back to them as I didn't want to get caught for having snooped in the basement.

Dad and I with my step-mom

When Riley was a baby my dad gave me some of mom's letters that he found. I think they were actually in one of my step brother's attics as they had a fair amount of mildew. I knew these weren't the letters I had found in high school, but appreciated having them - mildew and all.

More time passed when I recently got a call from my sister-in-law sharing that she and her husband (another one of my step brother's) had found a box of my step mom's in their basement that they had been storing for her for many, many years. In it they found letters from my mom to me. LOTS of letters. I'm guessing there are about 400, but that might be conservative. My step mom was the one who intercepted these letters and stored them away. I have no idea why she didn't throw them away as I am certain she never planned to give them to me.

I've been reading the letters all week. At first I was hesitant, unsure how they would impact me. Would they be too depressing? Were they better left unread? Would I unearth something I didn't actually want to know? In the end it was good for me to read these. Yes they were depressing and at times disturbing. She accused my dad of some horrible things, she repeatedly mentioned that crimes we being committed against us and evilness was inflicted upon us, she begged my dad to let me see her, but it was perhaps the amount of letters that expressed how much pain she was in.  They did, however, confirm that my mom loved me an immense amount - it's not really something I doubted, but beside all the paranoia, that came through loud and clear with every letter.

       

Mom with my siblings. I have one like this with her, but could not find it anywhere. Makes me want to do one of these with Riley.

It makes me wonder what I would do if I was told I could no longer see my daughter. Would I lose it? Of course, my situation is different from my mom's. Just for background, my mom had a somewhat normal life (although grandma shared that mom was a little paranoid in high school) and then something flipped. I guessing it was carrying two babies to term only to have them die hours after birth. I think this was the trigger that set everything off and it just got worse as the years rolled on. So here's a woman who already lost two babies, one of her kids was pregnant at 17, another was in juvie and then prison, and then her youngest daughter is taken away from her. I guess I might flip a bit too if I were in her situation.

My mom and brother in 1962. I had a hard time finding many pictures of her as she
must have been behind the camera a lot (note to self: get in more pictures with Riley).

Luckily, I'm not. With all the crap I went through growing up I'm so grateful for the life I have now. I have the best husband and kid... and my dad has always been there for me. He's a huge part of me getting through those times and while I read those letters I thought how hard it must have been for him. My mom would make wild accusations against him and then turn around and tell him how much she loved him. What a life he's had.

Again, about 10 years before my time.

My sister, who is 12 years older than me, assured me that it really was best for me at that time to not see my mom, and in many ways these letters confirm that.  I'm not sure it was really the best decision for me to be kept completely from my mom, but I do believe it was a different time and there were likely a lack of resources. I asked my dad if anyone had suggested supervised visitation at the time and he didn't recall that as even an option. I do know that our family doctor at the time became involved - something my mother was not happy about, but something I appreciate. She spoke up multiple times to help me and to help my family. I actually looked her up, hoping I might find a way to contact her - to let her know that her outreach did make a difference in my life, but she passed away in 2008. I wonder if she knew how much her letters to the courts helped shape my life.

Visiting my brother at juvie 12/25/77

The thing is, mental illness is more prevalent than we probably care to think it is. My mom's case was a little more on the extreme case (she was committed to a medical facility at least a couple times), but many people fight mental illness and so many don't get the support they need. I'm guessing the resources back in the day were limited, but it's not like they weren't there. My mom refused most help given to her, but if she had been open to it I'm certain she would have been a wonderful mom. Between all the chaos was a woman who wanted the best for her family and loved them fiercely.

When I was 18 I saw my mom again. It had been about 11 years since I last saw her. Too long for sure, but by that time her life had changed. I didn't know it until later, but she was on medication. Actually, she didn't seem to know it either and when she found out she wasn't happy about it, but it allowed me to spend the last years of my mom's life with her without the chaos of our early years. When she passed away shortly before my 24th birthday I was sad, but also relieved that she didn't have to live in this world anymore. I don't know what happens after death, but I hope she's found the peace that she deserves.

This all seems like a lifetime ago. In some ways it's good to put it behind me so I can focus on the now, but it's always there. It helped shape me and for all those years I worried about my ability to one day be a good mother - I have no worries now. As far as I'm concerned, Riley has the best parents out there.

What ever Riley remembers when she gets older I feel confident that they will be good memories, not always perfect, but still good.

Celebration of Life

My family gathered on Mother's day to celebrate our mom, Ann, who recently passed away. We are a big family so it was a good opportunity for many of us to gather and just be with each other. We may not have talked about mom a ton and emotions were on the positive side rather than sad, but I think she would have wanted it that way. With Ann's favorite country music playing in the background we talked, played games, ate, and laughed knowing that she was still with us even if it was only in our hearts and memories.

James with his Auntie Connie

Angel

Ben

Jolynn, Angel, and Jacey

John

Jodi

Greg and Jim

Graham, Quentin, and Evan

Riley

Uncle Chuck encouraging my child to balance on rocks. That's why they call him Uncle Fun.

Riley loved her cousin, James, and chased him around the yard.

Quentin

My silly attempt to get a picture with my uncooperating child.

Judy made sure everyone ate a cookie. She's always trying to look out for everyone and was our host for the day.

Riley took this picture of her daddy with a little assistance from mommy.

Then she turned the camera on me. Jesse apparently knows how to pose better than I do. Yikes.

My mom's funeral was on Monday evening. I was impressed by the number of people that attended, but not really surprised. Between Ann and my dad they are well loved. Whether it was neighbors, co-workers, friends or family they came from near and far (some even cutting vacations short). The memorial was led by the Deacon of a local church whose parents also came from Sicily as did Ann's parnets so he was able to make a special connection. It was a touching memorial that included the sharing of a lot of great memories of my mom.

I know I usually take a fair amount of pictures at gatherings, but this was a time that I left my camera in my purse except for one picture I just had to take. My mom was a huge fan of cows... ceramic, wood, concrete... just not the real ones. She had an impressive collection of cow collectibles. Years ago some of her grandkids attempted to count them all and gave up when they hit 200. When my dad and siblings were trying to decide on an urn they struggled with what to do. When my brother died almost 4 years ago my dad made an urn out of cedar wood and I used a wood burning tool to burn my brother's name and dates on it. I included a couple cowboy hats as that was my brother's nickname. It might not have been as fancy as a purchased one, but it's value was far greater. So when it came to Ann's urn selection my dad decided he wanted something that also had a lot of value to Ann and to the family. He glanced up at the cows crowded on their family room shelf and knew what he needed to do. Sitting on the shelf was a cow teapot that was just the right size. And that is how my mom came to be buried in a cow tea pot. Some may find this odd, but it really seemed perfect for her.

The day after the funeral we went to the Fort Snelling Cemetery for the internment and followed it up with a nice lunch at the hotel my nephew works at. Later that day, my Aunt Doris, Uncle Stanley, and Uncle Lester came to visit my dad so I brought Riley over there as well. It was nice spending time together. 

Dad, Stanley and Doris

Lester

I am grateful to have the family I have and the support I do. The have certainly made a difference during this time and I appreciate the love and support they provide for my dad as well. As sad as it is to lose someone, I know Ann is in a better place. (And now, she finally gets to meet some of her idols such as Michael Landon and John F Kennedy.) R.I.P. Annie.