Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Day in the Life - Spring 2014

Time for another Day in the Life post as hosted by Navigating the Mothership... and this quarter with a little help from Adventures in Tullyland.

Saturday, April 19, 2014
Riley is 4 years 2+ months old
I'm 42 and Jesse is 39

The past Day in the Life posts that I've done have made it apparent to me that I am not the best sleeper. So when I went to bed the night before I thought "I hope I can document a good sleep this time" That would not be the case.

At all.

Leading up to this night were a couple weeks that were hard on me physically and mentally and my body was feeling it. Plus, I had to work 11 - 8 (and like usual someone calls me minutes before 8 so I really worked until 8:15... on a Friday night). These shifts are always hard on me, but I ended the night with a migraine and the inability to bend my head to the right so I took a Vicodin to help cut the pain. I guess I should have taken my other pain 'cocktail' as it helps me sleep better too. When I work late like this I always have a hard time winding down, but this night was ridiculous.

With that said, let's commence...


10:06 - I went to bed a few minutes after 10 pm and proceeded to have 'running brain' where I was thinking of everything and anything. Jesse's not much of a snorer, but decided to become a weird snorer this night. Weird in that it was just a strange sound coming from him. I had to nudge him multiple times, and for the most part he stopped. Then I thought I heard Riley say something from across the hall. Riley's been feeling a little off so I was worried that she might not sleep well. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just hearing things. At some point I decided that it was just a combo of the fan in our room, Jesse making sleep noises, and an airplane overhead.

10:32 - I get up and go to the bathroom. Maybe this will help. While in the bathroom, I do hear Riley in her room making sleep noises. I'm not crazy after all. Go back to bed and continue to have various thoughts race through my brain.


11:36 - Yup, still up, but I might have gone into a light sleep once or twice. I don't feel like I've slept, but I am also surprised that an entire hour has passed by. Go to bathroom again. If I can't sleep I automatically do this to knock it off the list  of things that may be impeding my sleep. I go downstairs as Diablo has not joined us in bed as he always does. He's been off for a day or two so I am a little worried about him. I bring him up to bed hoping that will help settle my thoughts too. Also, think I hear more of Riley during this time. After I get back in bed I have a lot of body pain - like pinched nerves. I flip over and the pain just shifts to a different spot. Also, my tummy feels a little off which I think is because of the Vicodin. None of this is helping me sleep.


12:13 - Still up. A friend's dad was killed in a tragic car accident earlier in the week. A drunk driver with revoked license hit him head on while he was driving home after work to celebrate his 75th birthday. So horrible... and I start thinking about it at this time. It happened really close to my house and then I remember hearing a lot of sirens that night. I remember wondering that night what was happening that there were so many sirens. Now I know. Not the best thinking material to help one sleep.


1:12 - Hey, still awake. May have fallen asleep for a moment, but I wake up in a big sweat. Cat in bed is not helping this situation (they are serious little heaters). I take off a layer and while I cool down, my feet don't seem to want to and I am super irritated by this. WEIRDNESS ALERT: I decide to go downstairs and grab an ice pack for my feet. Check the internet even though I know this is a bad idea, but head back up and am in bed shortly after 1:30 with my ice pack on my feet. It's not the first time I've done this and it really helps.

1:40ish - I've given up taking pictures of my clock. I mean, really. I am so tired and was so hopeful that I would fall asleep this time, but I hear Riley cry out and it's louder than before. I wait, because I think she can get herself through it, but also because I am still sort of doubting what I am hearing. She cries out some more so I just go in and discover that she needs to go potty. Take care of that and send her back to bed where she immediately goes back to sleep. Realize that my mommy radar was probably contributing to my lack of sleep. Any little noise I heard I thought was her. I go back to bed with my ice pack.

2:00ish - Guessing this is about the time I fell asleep. Amen.


5:33 - Wha? What's going on? Oh, that's my kid yelling for us from her bed. She knows that she is supposed to stay quiet and in bed until 6:00, but this is the second morning in a row that she calls out for us. I go in there and explain that she needs to stay quiet in bed until at least 6. She really needs the sleep too since she's not feeling well. I go back to bed, but about 10 - 15 minutes later she's calling out again. Jesse goes in to her room and takes her downstairs. I feel a moment of guilt for him getting up with her after I know he had a long day with her on Friday (she didn't have preschool and had a dentist appt that did not go well), but I cannot live on this little of sleep so I go back to bed.


7:20 - I could probably sleep longer, but I am hungry, and the cats are hungry so I get up. I'm tired, but I'm a 'hit the ground running' kind of person (for the most part) so I get up and clean up Riley's room and our room before heading downstairs.



I find Jesse and Riley playing games on the iPad on the living room floor. I clean up around the house: dishes, laundry, picking stuff up from everywhere. I prep some rice and water the plants. Riley moves to the table and eats some food while Jesse goes to his computer. While cleaning up I find a picture Riley and Jesse drew me that morning propped in front of my computer. Love it times a gazillion.




Talk about our plans for the day. It was Jesse's mom's birthday the day before and we had talked about seeing if she wanted to do lunch or dinner, but apparently Jesse never asked her even when he saw her the day before. He commences texting with my father in law. We discover that they also want to bring over an Easter basket for Riley. We decide on lunch at 11:30.

I'm sure I'm tired with only about 5ish hours of sleep, but I want to keep moving. I'm afraid to stop for too long in case I lose all my momentum. I mostly eat my breakfast standing up. Jesse picks out Riley's clothes and gets her dressed so we can head to the gym. Seems when he picks out her clothes in the last year on a Day in the Life day he puts her in the same pac-man shirt. Meh.



Ready for the gym


It's like she's ready for her Senior picture poses

8:50 - In the car! Going to the gym! Seriously, can't figure out how I have the energy and motivation for this. I'm the type that needs 8 hours a night of sleep. I work out (cardio, back, biceps) and see the president of my company working out too.


Head home and jump in the shower. I am gross and needed a shower before working out. Feel so much better after the shower. Give Riley some food as she says she's hungry - plus she rarely eats food we order at the restaurant so might as well feed her now. Rush to finish getting ready as we need to pick up a last minute gift.

Clean and ready to go

11:02 - Head out the door to meet my in-laws for lunch. The day before Riley and Jesse brought my mother in law a small gift (a rice pack you can use as a heating or cooling pad - my co-worker makes them) and a card Riley made when they went to the dentist (where my mother in law works), but we wanted to get her something more than that. We'd actually been thinking about it for weeks, but hadn't decided for sure. It's hard buying gifts. At any rate, we decided to pick up a Barnes and Noble gift card on the way and arrived at the restaurant a few moments before them.


We haven't eaten at Cheesecake Factory in forever so apparently we forgot how big their meals are. So stuffed and lots of leftovers! Riley got her Easter basket and proceeded to color with her new Sophia crayons and read her new Easter princess book.

Happy Birthday grandma!


As we leave the restaurant Riley tells us she wants to go home and take a rest. Yes, we all do child. We get home and she eats a little bit more while I decide to take pictures of the cats to play with my new 35 mm lens. While I am on the floor it finally hits me how tired I am. I now know that I will not be using Riley's nap time to do anything productive. I will be napping myself. Before I do so I put away the finished rice, fold some laundry and prep for egg coloring after nap time while Riley does some last minute picture coloring.




Easter basket from the grandparents

Such a big girl - washing her hands without the stool



1:50ish - We head up to nap and she reads me "Oh the Thinks you can Think" and does pretty good with most of the words.She wants me to stay and cuddle... and I do for a few minutes, but I don't want to fall asleep in her bed. I want to sleep somewhere I will be comfortable and get some good sleep. I head downstairs and do a few things before laying down.



Having fun taking self portraits in the dark

Where I took my nap

2:17 - Jesse's gone to the basement. I think he's down there playing video games. I was thinking about napping on the couch down there so instead I move into the guest bedroom. Turns out Jesse went downstairs to take a nap too. I crash pretty fast, but am woken just after three pm by my phone ringing. I am still getting used to this new phone so the ringer volume seems especially loud and I'm not used to the ring. Wake confused and try to answer the call, but it's not working. Also, can't figure out how to get the phone to alert me when someone leaves a message. I hate adjusting to a new phone. I get up and go to the bathroom and decide to call my voicemail just in case. It's my sister in law making sure that I bring my good camera to Easter as she wants me to take some pictures of her boys.

3:07 - Go back to sleep and again I crash hard.Wonderful, deep sleep.

4:40 - Wake up. Man that sleep was needed. Surprised Riley isn't up as we usually wake her at 4:00 if she isn't already awake. If we let her sleep longer it messes with her bedtime. As I still lay in bed I hear Jesse go upstairs to get Riley. She comes downstairs and we turn on some Netflix for her while she comes about. We snuggle on the couch for a little bit after Jesse gives her some medicine and we are joined by one of the cats. We are all a little in post nap stupor. Except for Lucy the cat. She's hungry. Always hungry.



5:00 - Time for food. Make Riley a sandwich, cucumbers, and a banana. We have a bunch of leftovers so I eat some rice/black bean/mango dish and Jesse works on the chicken sausage and rice from dinner the night before.




After dinner, we finally color our Easter eggs. We picked up this kit for a buck or so at the thrift store. It's a pretty basic one and does the trick. Riley has fun adding the face stickers and asks that we do this same kind next year as well.



Not sure what's happening here, but it's probably a Frozen scene reenactment


I end up making eggs and toast as the leftovers I ate just wasn't filling enough. Riley sat next to me and colored a couple pictures in which she demanded I tell her what to draw and what color to use.

I realize I haven't taken my picture a day yet so I haul one of Riley's piggy banks downstairs into the remaining halfway decent light and take a picture. The prompt of the day is 'money'.

7:00 - usually we are heading upstairs at this time, but are just getting into the bath. We make it a short one. It ends on a mildly traumatic note when Riley stands up and the faucet hits her back.



Upstairs we do our regular bedtime ritual. Jesse helps Riley get some pajamas on. I help her brush her teeth and we update the calendar. We then read a couple books together. It's late so I normally would have only read one, but I agree to two. She reads one and I read one.




7:50 - I head downstairs and prep Easter stuff, then sit at my computer. Except for a couple brief moments checking email and the weather earlier I haven't spent much time at my computer. I think I might upload my pictures and go through them while watching some TV, but I realize that I really need to get this day written out as I haven't taken any notes, and while I snapped a few pictures of the clock to remind me of when I did stuff the lack of sleep earlier has made this entire day fuzzy. I sit down and start writing this out while listening to Riley via the monitor read stories. She calls out and Jesse goes up to check on her. He reports that she didn't need anything. I stop to ask Jesse multiple times what happened and when to help me piece this day together.



9:05 - Riley calls out again. This is why we don't let her nap past 4 pm. In fact, we love school days since she doesn't nap much and falls asleep at a decent hour at night. I go upstairs and she tells me she's cold. I put another blanket on her. She asks for another barrette so I give her one (not sure how this became a tradition, but she asks for one every night). Within about 10 minutes it sounds like she is asleep. I continue putting together this post while Jesse plays his Diablo video game behind me.

10:00 - Time for bed. Oh wait, I'm going to have a few dark chocolate sea salt almonds since I haven't had my fix for the day. Then I take my naproxen/muscle relaxer mix that will help with the neck pain I still have (mobility is slightly better today) and will help with sleep. I'm not fooling around. Have a momentary lapse in remembering how to spell 'fooling'. Really? That's my sign to brush my teeth and head up to bed. Goodnight.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Ramblings

I'm feeling grumpy and can't seem to get past it. Wondering if getting it out on paper (or across the internet) will help release some of it. This irritated, grumpy feeling is partly from sleeping slightly crappy for weeks, and probably even from having to work Saturday and having a full day on Sunday (not enough down time for me). I should note that I did have Thursday off last week to make up for having to work on Saturday and it was glorious.

But I know the biggest reason I am in this funk is because I didn't trust my gut. I hate when I do that. Plus, it's hard to change the decision I made at this point. You see, in my last post I mentioned that my dad and I went to see my uncle Stanley. He was battling cancer and we understood that he wouldn't be here much longer. When I found out that things had taken a turn for the worse I immediately told my dad that I would take him to Crookston. It's a 5 hour drive and I didn't want to make my 86 year old dad tackle that alone. I was willing to take time off of work even though it was a busy time of the quarter because that's what you do for your family.

Siblings - Stanley, Lester, Marian, Barney, and my dad, Frank - 2008

I assumed that I would be going back for the funeral when that time came. We got back from our visit on a Sunday and my uncle passed away on Wednesday. I knew it was coming and every time my phone rang I feared it would be my dad calling with the news. Even Facebook messages became dreadful since I thought my cousin might send news that way. I got the call on Wednesday (and obviously the passing of my uncle is impacting how I feel right now). My dad said he was going to ride up with his other brother and my cousins... and that I didn't need to come. The wake and funeral were going to be during the week and he said I already had my visit and no one would think badly if I didn't come.

The thing is I take whatever my dad says as gold. Well, not everything... there's plenty we disagree about, but I value what he has to say and if I have any doubt I'll follow his word. Five years ago my brother had a stroke and was put into an induced coma and my dad convinced me there was no reason to go to the hospital until he was out of the coma. I listened to him, but thought we should be there. Unfortunately, we would learn that my brother wasn't going to make it and three days in we finally went to the hospital to talk with the doctors and were there the next day when he was taken off all the machines and passed away. I know my presence in those first few days wouldn't have made a difference, but I know we should have been there. I live with that and for the most part it now feels like a lesson learned: trust your gut.

But here I am again. Sitting at home while my family is up north at my uncles funeral. So how did this happen? Both my dad and my husband assured me that I did not need to go. And then I started to feel bad about leaving Jesse to solo parent for another 2 - 3 days. Plus work! It was still busy and we already had the max amount of people out of the office. I felt that I needed to be responsible with work and my immediate family, but as we got closer and closer to the funeral date I felt sicker and sicker about it. Yet, I couldn't get out of my mind my responsibility to work and my immediate family, especially work.

The night before the wake I discovered that an aunt would be in town from California and by not going I would likely not see her and this made me feel even worse about it, but then I felt it was too late to call in Monday morning to work and tell them I would be out a few days (plus our company has this policy about not giving enough notice and I'm sure - just because I have a kid and get sick and such - that I am bordering on what is acceptable/unacceptable). So once again I decided, after my dad convinced me again that I was fine not going, that I would stay home. My cousin sent a message saying they would like to see me, but that she understood and that sent me into another swirl of doubt. Every moment since then I've thought "if I left right now could I still make it". But then I would think about another obstacle and just wallow in guilt and frustration.

Uncle Stanley, Aunt Marian, and my dad - 2008

I don't think I've beat myself up like this in a long time. And then I realized that this wasn't just about going to a funeral to show my respect. This was so much bigger than that. My uncle was the first of my dad's sibling to pass away. My dad and his siblings are all in their 80's - one is on the cusp of 90. My dad still acts like he's 60 or even younger, and even though I know he won't be around forever, this is a big reminder that one day he will pass away too. And the panic that arose when I found out my aunt would be there? It might be my last time to see her! I mean, Stanley was healthy a year ago. From diagnosis of this cancer to his passing was only about 7 months. Things can happen so fast and what if...

It doesn't help that my dad recently had more cancer taken off his ear (and his dad died from cancer that turned into a big lump on his ear when he was 86). Gah! Feeling so neurotic about this all right now. Oh so emotional. I know this is life - this is the way things go and I'm grateful for all the years we've had... and hope yet to have. It just feels so heavy right now.

Every moment with my family feels so important. In fact, I've never wanted to hang out with a bunch of old folks more than I do now. Please tell me about the time Lester built that chicken coop for school. Tell me about how the chickens would pick corn out of the pigs poop. Tell me about how you and Stanley worked at Coca Cola and when you put up power lines. Ha, I can't get enough of these old stories. It's as if I will be able to forever preserve my dad and his siblings in these memories. I need to know as much as I can! I want to be full of these moments of their past.


My dad comes home tomorrow and I'm already starting to feel a little less emotionally unbalanced. I know as time goes by I'll feel even better, but I know this won't be the last time I feel a little unhinged. Because, you know... life happens.