Momma Rage

Let me just start by saying I am not a perfect mom.

And my child is not a perfect child.

But I recently had an experience that had me seething about other people's parenting skills.

Last weekend, Riley and I took a stroll to a local park. It was fairly busy, but there were plenty of areas to play. As Riley reached the edge of the playground she proclaimed that she wanted to play on the ladybug which didn't have any kids on it.

She took off running, but moments later so did a little girl (about age 2 or 3?) that had been playing on something next to us when we walked up to the park. It was clear that she overheard Riley and now she was running toward the ladybug too. I watched this all unfold and knew what was going to happen before it did, but I couldn't quite believe what this little girl was doing.

As Riley was climbing on the ladybug this other little girl shoved Riley and sat down on the ladybug.

Riley was stunned and started crying. I was appalled, but tried to remember this was a little girl who was at that age where sharing is often a difficult concept. But I have to admit that I thought she was a little snot. I know, she was 2 years old or so, but she knew Riley wanted to play on that ride... and she went for it herself.

The little girl's grandma was with her and saw what went down. I expected her to step in and help resolve the situation. Riley was really upset and kept crying that she wanted to go home. She may have been a little dramatic about it, but I understood why she was upset. Often she does a good job of brushing things off, but this time was a hard one for her.

The grandma turned to her granddaughter and said something along the lines of "Avery, that little girl was going to play on the ladybug. You should let her". Then grandma turned to my balling child and kept asking her what her name was. She finally discovered Riley's name because I was using it to try and soothe her.

Grandma turned to her grandkid and said "you can let Riley play with the ladybug next".

WTF.

No, grandma, you need to be clear with your granddaughter why she shouldn't have done what she did. Make it clear what the impact is and if she doesn't get off the toy (when, again, it was clear that she pushed my kid out of the way to get on it) you take her off. You set the rules. You demonstrate appropriate behavior so this impressionable young girl knows how to treat others. At least get her to say "sorry".

Maybe I am over reacting, but I was pissed that this grandma was so passive and let her granddaughter get away with this behavior. Perhaps it helps explain why the kid was so pushy in the first place.

Eventually, Riley calmed down and quit insisting that we go home. She continued to play, but I always had one eye on that other kid (especially when she said she wanted Goldfish as she was standing next to our stroller that had some Goldfish clearly sitting there). Hands off my stuff, kid.

I talked with Riley about what happened. I'm not sure she really got the bigger picture. She just knew that someone was mean to her, but I hope she knows that I've got her back.

Validating my daughter

The day I posted about friendships a friend of mine posted the article Make Little Girls' Voices Carry
on Facebook.

I highly recommend reading it. In fact, I'll pause here so you can go do so.

Go on.

In case you don't have the time to read it, the short of the article is that we need to make sure we are validating our daughters - making sure that from a very early age they know we are listening to them and not dismissing their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 

The article struck something deep for me. Once I decided to have a child I knew I wanted a daughter. I'm sure I would have been happy with a boy or girl, but I wanted a daughter that I could make sure felt validated from day one and that grew up to be strong and independent and that felt unconditionally loved. And I wanted her to know that as strong and independent as she may be she always would have her family and friends to lean on when needed. 

I didn't always feel that way growing up - you know, unconditionally loved, and so on. I was lucky that I had one stable person that did his best to validate my feelings and guide me through life (you rock, dad), but I had others who said and did stuff that made me feel less than valued.

I had a friend in my late teens that I admired for her confidence. Don't get me wrong - I didn't see myself as insecure, but I didn't know how to embrace life as fully as my friend did. In fact, I would say I was a little fearful of doing so after being knocked down so many times. She always stood as a model of what I wanted my future daughter to achieve - well before I was even convinced that I wanted a child.

I turned out rather well adjusted in spite of everything, but I never want my daughter to go through what I did. I was, and am, determined to make sure that Riley always feels like I've got her back. Even when she's wrong. It's not that I condone when she's in the wrong, but I support her as I guide her to appropriate behavior.

The article was a good reminder of one of the many things I want to accomplish as a parent. And it was good timing that I read it when I did as something happened yesterday morning that played right into the theme of the article. I was saying goodbye to Jesse and Riley at my bus stop, Riley shared that a couple of the kids at daycare were mean to her. Jesse said "no they aren't" and it made me cringe - not because I am a better parent who always says the right thing, but because I know I have my moments where I blow off what she says too. Stuff that's probably really important to her. I quickly jumped in and we talked about it a bit, but didn't have much time as I had to catch the bus.

Jesse and I talked about it later and both agreed that we want to foster this feeling of validation, that we need to be mindful of it, but we also recognized that we can't be perfect all the time. We're human, but we better be at our best when it matters the most. Jesse talked with Riley some more after he picked her up from daycare and apparently everyone was nice to each other and had a good day. But if she mentions it again I know we need to have a deeper talk about it.

And honestly, if I had a boy instead of a girl I would be preaching the same thing. There might be a different angle for boys, but in the end all children need to feel heard and respected. They need to be given options, and be taught how to treat others with respect. It seems like such a simple, common sense thing to want for our children, but far too often I see examples of the opposite.  And sometimes that's me messing up, but I hope it's rare.

I hope in the end, Riley can look back at her childhood and say that we supported her and validated her feelings... and I hope that I can proudly send her out into the world one day as a confident young woman who eventually wants the same things for her own children. 

How my friendships make my daughter a better person

I have so many other posts I've been meaning to write (Easter is coming, I swear), but my daughter said something yesterday morning that made me want to write about friendships and specifically, how my friendships are going to make my daughter a better person.

As we were getting ready to leave the house yesterday, Riley asked my husband "where's Tom and Sam"? Tom and Sam are a couple of my husband's friends that periodically get together for a game night at our house. It used to be weekly, but has been sporadic lately so I shouldn't have been surprised that Riley would wonder where they were. And yet, I was surprised. Surprised that she pulled them up out of the blue. Surprised that she knows who they are and wondered enough to want to know where they were.

A few months ago my husband went out with Tom. Riley kept asking where her dad was and when I said he was with Tom she then wanted to know where. "Are they at Tom's house?" She clearly wanted to know more details. What does daddy do with his friends? Where do they go if they aren't here? So much curiosity about her dad, but also about what dad does with his friends and where they would go if they aren't at our house.  In essence, what do friends do together?

A few weeks ago I went away for a weekend with my friends. As I was explaining to Riley that I would be gone with my friends for a couple days she asked "what's their names"? She asked me this same question a couple other times when I talked again of being gone for the weekend and when I returned. You could tell that she really wanted to piece together an image of my friends and I regret that I did not pull out an actual picture to show her at that time.

Jesse usually gets to see his friends more than I do and Riley is probably aware of this. It's easier when the guys come to our house, but he still makes it a priority. I don't always feel that I do. My work hours keep me away longer than Jesse's so there is a fair amount of guilt when I do go out. I know it's important to get out and have friendships for my sanity, but when Riley asked about Tom and Sam yesterday morning I realized that it's important for so many more reasons.

My kid needs to know that I have meaningful relationships with other people. And it will help her to see me interact with people who are not family and yet are special to me. Every time she sees us interact with others she learns something about relationships and why they are important, and that close relationships are special.

She needs to know that mommy has friends too... not just daddy, but she needs to know that both of our friendships are important. She's incredibly impressionable now and copies so many of our actions (you should see how she talks to the cats) so teaching her these key skills (mostly by example) is important in how she treats others, but also herself. 

So yes, my ability to spend time with my friends can make me a better mom because I get 'me' time, but it also teaches my daughter that friendships are important... it teaches her about how to treat people you care for... it teaches her self-worth, because if we treat others well we tend to treat ourselves well. I have great friends, and while we don't get to see each other as often as I like, we do treat each other respectfully. We are there for each other in times of need and laugh with each other in times of joy. If I can impart this seemingly easy lesson to my child so that she has valuable relationships with others I will feel like I did a little something right.

And just last night I saw a little glimpse of this when we were playing with her cars, Mater and Lightening McQueen. She referred to them as best friends and I was able to see how she had them interact with each other... and it made me proud to see one car help the other followed by some simple hanging out time because that's what people in friendships do.

Patience in Parenting

I was brought up in a home where one parent (who struggled with mental health issues) created a world of instability, lack of boundaries, and confusion. The other parent was my rock. He was strict, but I knew I was loved. I was given clear boundaries by him and was expected to follow rules. I know without this structure my life might have turned out to be such a different one so I appreciate that it was there. This has obviously  guided my own parenting - what not to do and, of course, what I think I should do.

There was also a time when I was sure I wouldn't have any kids. I had a number of reasons, but mostly because I didn't really feel I had it in me to be a parent. I worried a bit that I never received the motherly guidance I deserved to show me how to be a good mom and I figured it was better off not to bring a kid into this messed up world (cynical much, Jo?). Time passed, I realized that I did want a kid, but I still doubted it was the best choice (actually I went through a long phase of wanting to want to have a kid that eventually turned into genuinely wanting a child of my own). It wasn't that I was insecure about being a mom and it wasn't that I thought I would be like the mom(s) I had (I was lucky to find some other female role models). I just knew me. I knew I could do it, but I also knew it would be hard for me at times.

Everyone assured me that I would be a great mom because I have lots of patience and am a good listener. It's what makes me good at my job. It's why friends come to me to talk. But being a mom is different. I can go home after my work is done to refuel. My friend who needed an ear to listen? She lives elsewhere. But my child lives with me. She is my responsibility and it is my never ending job to show her what it means to be a good person.

So while my parenting style includes my best attempts at patience, I often lean towards a need to create boundaries. She needs to know clear rules. She really does, but sometimes I wonder (especially since the husband and I don't always see eye to eye on parenting skills) whether the boundaries I want to set are too much for her.

So the other night when Riley was in bed and started crying (when all I wanted to do was shower and eat some food) I felt frustrated. "Why is she crying?!" She's been doing this a lot lately - crying after we put her down. She's usually fine. Jesse and I take turns and head upstairs to hold her or sing some songs to her and she's fine. We've been working with her on removing this so-called second bedtime ritual (by creating some structure and clear rules) and it was better until the other night when she screamed fairly hard shortly after she got in bed. This was more than her usual whiny cry. Jesse went up first, but couldn't determine if anything was really wrong. He thought she was fine, but shortly after he came downstairs she cried again.

I went upstairs, walked in the room and gruffly said "what's the matter, Riley?" She mumbled something in her whiny voice (which usually drives me nuts and makes me even more impatient) and I was ready to tell her to stop her mumbling. "Stop whining. Use your words!", I wanted to tell her. I pulled her onto my lap, perhaps a little rougher than I should have.

And then I stopped.

I took a deep breath and I remembered that she's only 2 years old and something is wrong. I remembered that I have a duty to guide her (whether she is genuinely upset or just trying to avoid going to sleep). I remembered that I didn't get much of this as a child and would have loved it (it's a whole other story about if this made me the loner I am today).

I held Riley close to me and said "take a deep breath, sweetie, and when you can, tell me why you are crying". She took a moment and then squeaked out that she heard a noise.

She was scared.

And I had been impatient with her. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. I'm not someone who actually thinks there is a perfect parent, but I know I can always work on being the best I can be for her. And I hadn't been even close to my best when I walked into that room. I was making it worse. Luckily, we can recognize our actions and choose to try something else. So I tried to think about what she really needed at that time.

It's not the first time we've heard "the noise" complaint, but she really sounded genuinely scared this time. We talked about all the different noises we hear (airplanes, dogs, showers, wind, creaky house noises...). I tried to assure her that mommy and daddy were nearby and nothing would happen. I held her, and when she cried again as I laid her in bed, I stayed by her side. Eventually, I moved to the floor, but still didn't leave because she cried again. Sometimes it's hard to know when your kid is ok or not, but I stayed with her because I felt she needed it.

Eventually I left and unfortunately she started crying again, but I have an awesome husband who went up to console her so I could shower. In the end, she fell asleep in his arms. And, in the nights since then she's gone to sleep without a peep.

Parenting is hard. I constantly have to be mindful of my actions, the words I use, the looks I give... I hope for all the moments I don't quite have it together I have far more moments that I do. And if I ever have any doubt about parenting, I remember moments like this morning when Riley, unsolicited, told me "I love you, mommy".

June Photo a Day Week 4+

June Photo a Day inspired by Fat Mum Slim

6/22

From a high angle


Just another day at the park.

6/23

Movement


This is the day we went to Minnehaha Falls and Riley clogged the creek up with rocks. Ok, so it wasn't quite like that, but I was ready to host an intervention as she did not want to stop throwing rocks into the water. Maybe she'll be a geologist when she gets older... or a shot put thrower. 

6/24

On your mind

I own a duplex that I rent out and I've been lucky enough to have the same (reliable) renters for the last couple of years. However, due to one couple buying a home and another running off to grad school out of state I was facing two empty units. I've been through the process of finding renters for many years. I've owned this house for about 10 years and then have helped my dad with his rentals for the last 22 years as well. Let's just say it's not my favorite thing to do. Sometimes you don't get much of a response or the people who do respond are undesirable tenants. You set up appointments and the potential renters decide to just not show up. You have multiple people wanting the unit and you have to say 'no' to someone. It can be a headache. This year I posted the ad on Craigslist and removed it a day later because I had too many people calling. It was insane. I've NEVER seen it like this before. I had heard there were a lot of renters out there, but I didn't know it was quite like this. I ended up scheduling two days of showings. Each day I blocked out two hours and scheduled people every 15 minutes... and then had to double book because that's how many people called in 1 day. 

I was lucky to have a lot of great potential renters apply. Unfortunately, I only had two units available so I had to turn a lot of people down. I hope I made the right decision with the ones I did choose.

6/25

Something cute

After I get home from work I try to get Riley outside to play most days. This night we were drawing with chalk on the sidewalk when she decided she wanted to hang on my back... then started chewing on my hair. Weird kid. 

6/26

Where you shop

This shopping trip was sort of out of the norm. On a normal Tuesday I wouldn't have gone anywhere to shop... or on most days to be honest. My husband does the grocery shopping while I am at work so I don't usually go shopping. I've really been wanting to pick up a book on parenting a toddler and I had a few hours in the morning before work so I headed out to Barnes and Noble. When we walked in the door Riley said "look at all the books" with a look of amazement on her face. I let her pick out a book (she loved this Dora one that came with a play cell phone) and then we headed over to the parenting books.

I've been struggling with being a parent of a toddler lately. Riley is a spirited kid which is in conflict with Jesse and my easy going personalities. I figure it's mostly because she is 2, but I also worry that Jesse and I aren't consistent enough in our parenting styles. I think there are things that both of us could improve on so I was hoping to find a book that would help give us a little guidance. I picked up The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp, mostly because I couldn't find the book I was looking for (probably because I can't remember the name). If anyone has a good book suggestion please let me know.   

6/27

Bathroom

Riley had a few days where she was all about trying out the potty and even went #2 on the toilet so I thought I would introduce potty training to her more. We give her opportunities all the time, but she never seems very interested. She's at least now willing to sit on the toilet more often than not, but I don't think she's ready for us to go all in so for now we are adding stickers to this new chart for even sitting on the potty. At least she seems pretty excited about getting stickers. We are making little steps so I'm not too worried about her general lack of interest at this time. 

6/28

On the shelf

Books, books, and more books.

6/29

Soft

My other baby, Diablo.

6/30

A Friend

Or two friends. My friend, Susannah, was in town from Duluth to represent female veterans at the MN Twins game. We had a chance to go with her to the game, but decided it would be a bad idea to take a two and a half year old to an open stadium game during her nap time while it was 90 degrees. But we did get to hang out the night before with another high school friend, Joanna. The three of us, along with my hubby and Susannah's boyfriend, Jim, went to dinner at Salut in Edina. I had been wanting to try this place for some time. It was pretty good, but I think I had high hopes as it wasn't as good as I thought it would be. I will totally go back if anyone wants to sit on the patio and share the calamari with me. Nummy and a little spicy.

See June Photo a Day week 1, 2, and 3.

Well it begins...

Not sure if I will be consistent with this blog thing or not, but thought I would give it a try. I don't read a ton of blogs, but have recently been inspired by some other blogs which I have found to be funny, insightful, touching, informative, and so on.

Who am I? I am a mother, wife, friend, employee... Mother certainly seems appropriate to come first even though most of my life I wasn't sure if I could ever see myself in that role. Now it rules every decision I make. I am in my late 30's, have been married for almost two years and have a 13 month old (as of today) daughter.

So vain

While I stated that I wasn't sure I could ever see myself as a mother I would now never change that I am one. Having stated that I also clearly know that I only want one child. For all of you who said I would change my mind once I had a baby you were wrong. Very wrong. Sure, there are times that I want to want to have another child... especially when I see my daughter playing with other kids with such delight. Then I remember she gets to play with other kids every day at daycare.

More to come...

My high tech kid